Sometimes the one we loved the most turns out to be the one who hurts us the most. But still, we should always remember that failing in love is not reason enough for us to fear love. The joy comes in loving when nothing is expected in return. Love is not all about happiness for we can never know what being happy is like without experiencing some pain.
Moreover, love is not seeking for your own happiness. Its main concern is giving, not taking. It is not about making sure that the other person's life will revolve around yours, but it's a celebration of the others' existence and being - even if you're totally different from each other. Love always makes sure there is ultimate honesty and sincerity in the heart as well as much respect and honor. Love goes nowhere without faith, hope and trust. Love is not about beautiful words. It is about making a firm decision and action to make the relationship grow stronger each day. It's the willingness to exert effort to keep the love alive. It does not give up.
But remember that although love means never giving up, it can also mean letting go. Sometimes, we'll meet people who can't be strong and whose weakness will poison us. When loving becomes a one-way process we have to let go. Letting go is like a pill that we swallow so as to heal ourselves and move on to the next phase of our life.
i thought it was him, my mr. right and my future groom; the man i thought i would be spending the rest of my life. i had never thought and never expected that our paths would cross the way it goes. i just met him online when he sent message on my profile in the website that my cousin had introduced to me. i just don't know but i could only say and feel that he's totally different from other guys i met online. my instinct really says he's gentleman enough to put my trust on him, put so much credence in anything he says and be comfortable with him. our mere acquaintances bloomed into deeper intimacy when almost everyday we would chat and send offline messages. we met last march 2009 when i got back to work after a couple of days on leave when my college bestfriend took a forlough from her work in dubai.
we had talked and shared almost everything in life. work, love, home, family, friends, secrets and dreams are some of the things we had shared and talked about. whenever he got busy or some activities need to attend to, he would just let me know of his whereabouts. to sum and to describe it in a simple way i could say we have mutual understanding. it means that we're more than friends and less than lovers. but deep inside i knew from my heart that this would have turned into a much deeper relationship. words are not enough to describe and express my feelings when finally we became lovers. since then our life is really a great one filled with so much love and inspiration. we had started nurturing our relationship through chatting more than a couple of times everyday and uttering words of love and care for each other. until one day, he proposed marriage but then i told him i want to be sure of ourselves first by seeing each other, getting to know more and having a tete-a-tete (heart-to-heart talk) before we commit ourselves for a timeless and unending commitment. i asked him to wait till we meet in person when he arrives here in philippines for business trip and i'm so glad when he says he would.
while waiting for the day of his arrival, i'm on tenterhook but enthusiastic knowing it will be the first meeting day for us. i thought our relationship is a perfect one and will not be having any problem until one day, i found out something fishy about him that it really bothered me. i want answers from him so i told him what i've found out. and i never thought that he would be mad about such thing. i felt sorry for what had happened and told him that it doesn't mean i don't believed on him. but then he just left me with nothing but a single word "bye". since then, i am quite crazy thinking what precisely the truth is because i have still unanswered questions in mind. he never replied on my emails nor sent messages on my mobile phone which he used to do.
until now, we never meet in person though i knew he's already here in philippines. likewise, i've never heard anything from him. i waited for months hoping he would responded but it was really frustrating and depressing when i got nothing but pure silence. i would not disavow that tears falling from my eyes, that i'm hurting inside, that pain, frustration and suffering overwhelmed me. it adds to my distress and despondency whenever i think of his proposal and our intention of getting married and building a life filled with love and simplicity knowing that it would just plunged beyond the bounds of possibility. no matter how it hurts, i should accept and bear the pain of losing someone i thought he was the one for me, come to realize that it's time to bid goodbye and letting him go. only then, i could ameliorate and lessen the heartache and distress, could find the courage to move on and finally could start in building a brand new and fresh leaf of life with hope and faith without him but with GOD.
Quietly awake while lying in my bed, I can see myself trapped in the middle of crossroads, where whichever path I would espouse...to hold on or to give up.
To hold on. Others may think I'm so dumb, idiot and such a foolish one for holding on to the belief that we're meant to be. But how I can persuade myself that it's over when my heart still feel I want to try and go on? It's my firm decision and willingness to hold on and follow my heart as long as I can. It maybe the stupidiest thing to do but I am just being true to myself without cogitating what others may say and think of me. In the end, if I do get lost and reach a dead end, I should accept my action, learn from them, charge them from experience, use them to lead me back home and move on.
To give up. It means saying goodbye and letting go. It is one of the hardest things to do. It is hard as breaking a crystal glass because I'll never know when I'll be able to pick up the pieces again. It is me who stayed behind that suffer because I am left with memories of love that was meant to be. Time heals all wounds but takes a little push on my part. It's just a matter of faith and acceptance. It is not easy to accept painful things, to go on with my life after experiencing betrayal. It's something I can't control, something I have to live up and this life has to go on.
LORD AS I PUT MY HOPE IN YOU GIVE ME THE WISDOM TO KNOW WHEN TO HOLD ON, WHEN TO LET GO AND WHEN TO MOVE ON WITH FAITH.
I’ve told myself and my friends told me, MOVEON. So easy to say but too hard to do it, because it drives me crazy thinking and wondering what went wrong. I want a CLOSURE. Maybe I could have endured the pain easier if he just told me we were over, the end. But no. Nothing. Nothing. NOTHING.
Lord, I felt frustrated today. There are still unanswered questions in my mind. I only asked the things that bothered me. It doesn't mean that I don't believe in him and doesn't mean that I believe on what I've found. All I wanted is the truth so that I could have peace of mind. But is it mean that wanting to know the truth means gaining the pain that I have now? What if I didn’t ask him about the stupid thing, did it result to a better relationship? Is it really a great mistake what I’ve done that he didn’t accept my sincerest apology? Did it really offend him that he left me with nothing but confusion? I should not have done this, but I think it's unfair. Now I don’t know what to do. Do I have to keep going and hoping that everything will be okay? Or better yet accept and forget it to ease the pain? I can’t deny the hurt that embodied me. I’m tired of crying and fighting the losing battle inside me.
Do I need to regret what I’ve done? Do I have to accuse myself that I’m terribly wrong? I’m tired of thinking what if and why it happened? Is this happened for a reason? Then what is the reason? Why it happened now? Now that I love him so much, that we had so many dreams together, that we are planning to build a home together, and then suddenly it will stop with just one stupid question. I can't keep going through each day pretending everything is wonderful, when inside I am crumbling and breaking.
Lord, show me my path and help me walk along it. I need You to be my angel, my protector, my guardian, my friend and my shield. Show me the way I should go and give me the courage to accept the things I need to accept. Lord, please take me in your arms and heal me from the inside to the outside. Lord I am calling out to you because I can no longer rely on my own strength. I am at my breaking point. I am trying, but I just don’t feel better inside. I am aching desperately for you Lord. Lord, lead me to the paths that will give me answers, hope and belief that it will get better. I'm scared of the answers Lord but please give me the courage to find it. Lord, please help me let go of my fears so that I can find the peace inside me. You are the only one that can help me Lord. Please Lord, I need you.
